weeping willow wont you wallow any louder..

After much delay im here again. Too much has gone on but i learned dealing with death is the hardest thing. Like you always here about it but when it hits your web its devestating 'specially since it was someone very close to me, Alicia Ray my closest cousin. I said "goodbye" a few sundays ago but i can never really say a complete goodbye though, thats just damn near impossible. acceptance is the hardest bullet to bite.
Postive note im a junior now, the 4th marked that. 7th, 1 yr 8 months anniversary. I'm almost out im actually a little worried, they prepare you in school just to dump you off and leave you scared of the future. ehh im probably overthinking this i'll be fine...13th grade after 12th is how i have to look at it. haha Lately ive dived back into my pool of good vibes again and out came a new outlook on this year that i can stick to i mean really stick to.
im an artist, so back to the art i go. Im still searching for my muse though.

neoplasticism

I'm sure you've seen it, the primary colours red, yellow, and blue complimented by black, white and gray. The movement started in 1917 in the netherlands otherwise known as de stijl. Although it consists of straight lines and rectangular shapes it was designed to show the utopian ideal of spiritual harmony and order. May seem a litte far out for something so simplistic as this but its actually and interesting movement with a cubistic light. Believe it or not there was actually a house constructed with these dutch neoplasticism rules, the Rietveld schroder House. A few other popular works too but wikipedia the rest haha.

old idols

I remember back in '06 i attempted the "punk" look but it wasnt even punk, it was PUNKER. basically a poor cheap imitation lol. well anyways i was in love with this here girl, fefe dobson. she's brilliant and was my idol when i was younger and still today i think she's darling. Her style has changed just as everyone's does as time goes by but her tiny thin stature goes well with her creative fits. oh! and her music isnt so bad either its the perfect aha! dosage of pop you could use every morning.

water, purified

Sitting here tv on, barefoot, bottled water and a tv dinner. I could certainly go for some maui melon. anyways life is a standstill but a good standstill. basically im just really happy its better than before. At first i felt like thumbelina and the world was a giant mellow jello pool that was slowly drowning me, its wierd and seems sadistic but there's a lot of thinking going on this summer. Luckily i always climb out of it, like i said things are better. They say the moon controls the tide of the ocean, well im a mermaid controlling my own current (for now) so i guess that makes me a moon child.

moonchild dancing in the shadows..waiting for the kiss from a sunchild.

'ello again.

NONE of you have this.

(not even me) SO DO NOT SAY YOU DO.

simply beautiful.
thank you, yoko and john. for showing us a glimpse.

i got a tad too deep.

so im eating a can of chef boyardee spaghetti and meatballs with a fork. i got about half way and warmed up the rest haha. i just found that a little amusing.....

so basically me personally gets on my nerves because "me personally" is the one to blame for my life's inconveniences. Why so, because you can only blame yourself for what you do. Anyways my boyfriend decided to take me out, help me forget the bad and see the good. So we leave school and we go. im worried the whole time that someones gonna find out or my parentals are gonna pop out of nowhere but hes there holding my hand telling me to calm down. Basically his reassurance is what kept me from pissing my pants. That day we did a few things i like, rode the bus to like no man's land and back
and still made it home in time for lunch haha. Before that though we spent a good hour in the mall, curly fries in hand, along w. a nervous smile on my face oh how i am nervous. Took a few snaps in the photobooth which summed up the day.
From start to finish i was worried to death so consequently the day wasnt as great as it shouldve been.
you think they have meds for that? [just jiving]

This here makes me stay, deeper into the lovepool.

morning bliss

midnight seranades leading into late night escapades.
gawd we giggled like little girls, the niagra falls were everywhere
with uneasy feet. The trick was to keep moving otherwise we were both bound to explode.
"so monday, right?"
"yeah, but can you lift me?"

baby bloos

Days like television. really?

so today i attended my sister's baby shower. all this talk of babies is getting me really emotional. i mean lately ive been crying over lifetime movies and feeling so "1950s mom". JEBUS this is outrageous. im chanell, the mermaid, never am i like this in a million years. Im diving into philosophy more and more nowadays, getting cultured is my only means of sanity now. Im working on a piece to illustrate what the hell ive become. I blame the opium and codeine, this overly feminine streak has got to go.

 

"YOU drive me to smoke,chanell, you really do"-him to me XD

^portrait of me by cynth. it touched me<3

this is not depression, just an observation.

kiss me deadly.

Weekend whirlwinds. Right now everything is a blur, reality is not sinking in completely i guess. Like swimming in a sea of codeine, i dont know what should be real let alone what i want.
Despite it all the one person who is my world returned to me. For the last year i've been living off memories but now he's back. So why the hell do i have this blank reaction to what should be my glory moment. I really am happy but i dont know its like lately i cant express my emotions right. It worries me it really does. There's just so much shit that comes along with what makes me happy, perhaps thats where this "blankness" is comming from. What.do.i...really want?
That saturday was so amazing...the kiss meant the world to me. i felt so loved. Yet im lethargic and apathetic. I cant stand this, im like losing sight of myself.
i'm convinced i cant live with myself at the moment. You have to fix the breaks in your own life before you can fully enjoy everything and everyone else.

GAW...ive been away from artists for too long.
Artists come back to me, art i need you. here my plea?