goodbye..nana.

Memories.

stream of consciousness

.....A cold clean white smell

filled with repeating plastic

Lifeless figures here.

a conformer,sarcasm,competative,

a quiet figure,follower,jealous,

paranoid, studius.

holding on, but is that right? (thinking back)

When i look back or when i see things now i understand i really do.
Heine sight is 20/20 as they say.

I tried to comprehend why things spiraled into confusion and uncertainty and alas it all made sense. I expected too much from something that was just beginning to grow. It was overwatered, too saturated, and unable to flourish. It was too watered with fears, expectancies, doubt, and the ever so infamous indecisiveness. All those things are a formula for disaster, i'd say. Thing about it was i was expecting this particular individual to prove me wrong; to put me at ease---to bring solace to my heart.

I didn't know what i wanted because i couldn't comprehend or even see us existing, it seemed too good for me. My fear of being incompetent gave birth to being indecisive. Although i could finally see it working i confused the other party. Perhaps i'm too frank for him, he's not like the last lover and perhaps it took too long to realize that. I feel we both needed to understand that we aren't like our former partners and in the same likeness are very much different from each other.

See what fears do...it's unfortunate. I wanted him to understand and believe that I would not hurt him. I'm not like her, youre not like him. Understand me. PLEASE. It's a see-saw of emotions, I feel lack of communication also added to what it is now.

Thing is i'm willing to take risks to have what i want, and he plays it safe and nonchalaunt. I can't fault him; I know his way to a certain extent is better.

I was wrong to look to him for fulfillment. And i was wrong to assume that he would see me for me, because he doesn't, if he did a different picture would be painted on this canvas.

Nevertheless i still see something within him. We are very much still childish in regards to love. I know what i want because i once obtained the ecstacy of love before, but with him it is very much inexistant and uncomprehended. I can't bring and show him all that i have to give until he essentially wants it. If he ever wants it.

WE CAN BLAME IT ON THE TIMING,

BUT IS THAT REALLY IT?

IS THIS REALLY IT?

vanilla in the sky..

"every passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around"

in depth.with her

Me(11:02:10 AM): if im unhappy w. surroundings and always frustrated and mad at myself
Me(11:02:18 AM): its impossible to let ur gaurd down
Me(11:02:21 AM): i let it down
Me (11:02:28 AM): and it got me this
Me (11:02:35 AM): "this shitty summer"
Me(11:02:40 AM): as everyone likes to call it
Me(11:02:44 AM): so fck that
Me (11:02:48 AM): gaurd back up
Cynth (11:02:54 AM): :/
Me (11:03:00 AM): he'll come find me, when he wants to
cynth is i (11:03:05 AM): i can understand that
Me(11:03:07 AM): im just sick of seeming desperate
Me (11:03:15 AM): im like calling him whenever i can
Me(11:03:20 AM): planning ways to see him
Me(11:03:29 AM): and none of it falls through or pays off
Me (11:03:31 AM): so in the end
Me (11:03:33 AM): im left here
Me(11:03:43 AM): alone....and wondering what the fck am i doing?
Me(11:03:49 AM): can u tell me?
Me(11:03:51 AM): -___-
Me(11:03:58 AM): its pathetic actually.
Cynth(11:04:07 AM): ughhh
Cynth(11:04:35 AM): i can see where you're coming from and its hard for me to find the words to say :/
Me(11:04:59 AM): ....yup
Me(11:05:06 AM): only logical thing to do
Me(11:05:09 AM): is retreat
Me(11:05:17 AM): care about yourself. fix YOU
Me(11:05:22 AM): fck the world right now lol
Cynth(11:05:23 AM): in all honesty, despite my suicidal tendencies you're a lot more pessimistic than i am :/
Me(11:05:45 AM): because when i get hurt i have self realizations
Me (11:05:52 AM): and this is just what ive concluded
Me(11:06:04 AM): prove me wrong, by all means, prove me wrong

3.71 GPA

damn. i was soooo close to that fucking 4.00 i can taste ;p.
in actuallity i couldve got a 4.1o butttt 4.oo was more realistic. lol
oh well, next semester i'll get it, like i'll make sure i get it.
wow, senior year is like right around the corner. im still tripping out on that ;o


my real life is really aboutta begin. wow.
im hella old as fuck.